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Apathy within Me

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Long time no LiveJournal [03 Mar 2008|11:18pm]
The last post I made was to announce the birth of my daughter. Since then I have gotten married, had another child, a 3 week old boy, am going through a divorce and had to move home with my family. I am not now as happy or as naive as I once was. I weep for the loss of innocence. And I find it is not just me. There is a rash of my friends seperating and divorcing after years of relationships and marriage and I am disgusted. What is it with our generation that people are disposable. What ever happened to commitment, faithfulness, love? I mean really people. I am losing hope in humanity or rather in American relationship dynamics. It's a pandemic. I mean really have we hit the point where 5-6 years is it. And what of the kids. I'm with him raising my kids with A and A is with C raising her kids with D and D is raising F's kids. It's bullshit. Arghhh!!!! I have to go take my blood preassure meds.
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Whoa! [18 Oct 2006|06:29am]
Long time no post. I got caught up.
So I just gave birth to my daughter Alainna Dominique on October 1,2006. If you want you can find pics of her on my myspace. myspace.com/grits_and_tofu
that is all.
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[22 Oct 2005|04:46am]
Wings from Akili (i figured one more in the series was fine)

We spread like light/ from the point of a pin/ meeting at the begining/ finishing up at the end/ it is all interconnected/ no real space in between/ save the words from your heart/ and the things that they mean/ the first glance in an epic/ the last kiss in embrace/ the tears pour from my fingers/ but never down from my face/ emotions ceasing in action/ getting lost in a thought/ a breathe held in the silence/ from the lessons you taught/ the omega, the alpha/ female to your male/ the meeting of our bodies/ but our minds growing stale/ the darkness descending/ the death of the light/ the begining of thought/ and the end of a fight/ transforming the process/ revolutionizing the girl/ making space in creation/ for the woman to unfurl/ the butterfly wings/ the night and the noon/ the conforming creature/ meets unforgiving cacoon/ destroyed in the process/ and left in the wake/ so many directions/ which road did we take
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I figure everyone should know something about me today. [19 Oct 2005|02:09pm]
Dear ____,
I have tried to write down what I was thinking in a snapshot verse of emotion. Because that is how I usually deal with the things I cannot justify to myself. I cannot do that in this situation for whatever reason the will and ability to sew things into a tidy little package like that is not an option. So I figured a letter might help relieve all this agnst going on in my head. I thought about what you said about the way I justify sex. I also thought about what you said about there being no difference inside my bubble and outside of it. Sex means as much to me now as it meant from the first time I decided to engage in it. Every moment of it is as memorable to me as the first. And yes I recall the motivations behind each one. I thought about each one and I knew the outcome of each one. It's a control issue, it's a security issue, it's a political issue. I no more trust men to share in my sexual euphoria anymore than I trust them to see anything of importance within me. I choose not to share with them what I am taking from the experience. I choose not to share with them what I am feeling. I choose to keep these things closer to the chest because I do not want anyone to be able to shake the foundations I have built. Sex is not the barrier. The callous attitude is the barrier. I have touched so many men because I have felt the need to connect with them to share myself with them to take a piece of them with me. I have felt the need to look into many sets of eyes and graft whatever gratification there was to have from the moment. I have loved more men than I can count. I have connected with more people than I have kissed. I have shared so much of myself because I have so much to give. And yet I have asked nothing in return in fact I have refused to accept anyhting in return. That is what my life boils down to. It does not boil down to me just having meaningless experiences it is that I am using people for my meaningful experiences, offering them none in return save that which I take, and then denying them any chance to give me more. Because I do not trust them to give me more. When I ask for more I am usually denied it and then the entirety is tainted. I asked for just sex from you because then I could walk away remembering the way you looked at me with desire and passion and never have to look back at anger and regret and dissapoinment. I would have taken your heart if I had thought that it would do anything other than cause me to be as bitter to you as I have felt towards the idea of you for 6 long years.If I had thought for one moment that you could have seen me for what I really was. You jusge people by their surface and you cannot judge me accurately this way. Because much of me is under the surface. Much of seeing me is reading between lines and dancing through raindrops. You have to be willing to do this, willing to put forth the effort, you have to think I'm worth it. You have never thought I was worth that much. And yes I had as I always have had my fleeting moment of regret at the joy that I might be robbing myself of. And I wondered as I always wonder am I ever going to trust anyone enough to give them the chance to give me more of themselves and to take more of me. And I wondered if I should have tried that with you. Should I have come to you with my heart fresh on a platter and asked for you to care for it and give me yours in return.Should I spare you the walk through the fire. I decided for you that the answer was no that you didn't want my heart. maybe I was wrong or maybe I was right. Because the first glimpses you got into my life you did not like or agree with or want to deal with, didn't look deeper. So maybe you're just horribly wrong about me. And maybe I am laughing at you for just walking away and proving me right. Maybe I am just a really good judge of character who likes to build my memories out of a happiness that most people cannot understand. And maybe I choose to keep all that to myself. Because what do I care what the world thinks of my comfort. What good does it do for the populace to know that I take the sexual experiences I have had and break them down into meaningful caresses, looks, and emotions. That I read emotions where there may be none apparent,that I care enough to see between the lines. You deal in reality you say. But what is reality other than perception. I deal in my own reality, it is what makes me beautiful. It is what make me artistic, to keep my child's eyes, to see the good in everything, and yet to smother it with a woman's cold contemplation. So I disagree that my bubble is empty, and I disagree that sex means nothing to me. But I do agree that you walked away like I knew you would and therefore I see no regret. You didn't want my truth, it doesn't fit with your perception. I did hope that we would have been able to co-exist. But I'm exceptional, and you are just to much like everyone else, to willing to take the easy explination.


P.S. However if you decide that you want to see more of me, that you were rash in your decision to write me off, feel free to call, there is much of me to be seen and to be had, and I try and deny noone with a thrist. Or fault them for not being able to see over my walls, I built them and I know how high they climb and how many twists the labrynth has. And you never can tell my willingness to let someone in. I wrote you this letter. this is me putting forth effort. Sometimes I'm just out and out wrong.
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[09 Oct 2005|06:50pm]
i am currently at bayfest hahahaha. saliva was the shit, trapt is on next. be jealous. love kalia and comcast.oh and the mosh pit was fun. i got decked.....again.
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OK Ok [02 Oct 2005|06:45pm]
OK I give I know I haven't posted in a bit. Yes I'm sure you all heard that the asshole I was dating kicked my head into a fucking wall. Good news is he's gone for good and I got the car in the Split. So yes that is my black Sunfire. My dreads are coming along nicely. New pic up on myspace. Anything else is unimportant.
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[18 Sep 2005|05:16pm]
You knew it was coming. Yes yes yes. I'm locking my hair. What you say is that? Ahhh silly caucasians i am letting my hair grow into dread locs. but for now we'll refer to them as locs until i hit the fuzzy stage and then we can call them dreads....lol.
that is all. god save the queen.
(ryan that was hillarious.)
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[16 Aug 2005|05:59pm]
to anyone with a libido who love to see pretty half naked fine ass men. go to yahoo launch and watch the "naked" video by marques houston.
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[16 Aug 2005|02:30pm]
willmarry4binary: damnit i cannot believe i am stupid enough to love this fool on the one hand his loving me redefined who i was. on the other he totally fucked me up. and now here we are faced with each other over the body of our relationship as it has been to this point and niether of us know anything. i know i love him and he only knows that he wants to be around me. doesn't know if he loves me or anything else even. and i'm lost to why this feels so wrong and so right and so much of an issue. if i love him what am i afraid of. oh yeah i'm afraid that he doesn't love me. that his lack of saying it means that he doesn't feel it and that i am kidding myself and that the wonderful life changing feeling i once felt can never be rediscovered.
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Why I want to sleep with Merle Dandridge [16 Aug 2005|02:07pm]
She is playing Joanne in RENT on Broadway and she was the voice of Alyx Vance in Half-Life 2. A woman after my own heart.
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[14 Aug 2005|06:11pm]
Ok so I get to go to a party tonight. YAy! dear gaia let me make it through this without being to much of a drain on anyone or a pain in the ass. And if it isn't to much trouble please let me make it through the whole night without muttering and stuttering like an idiot.
blah gar blargitty.
Yeah so life is life. Andre showed at my house this morning and I gave him a hug and felt sick to my stomach. I like that reaction to him.
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[12 Aug 2005|02:09pm]
yeah yeah whatever,
i have shit to do.
i went last night to pic up the stuff out of my dead car and put her to rest. leeanne and i never named her for fear that she would die but seeing as she died already we named her isabel after the dido song. tear. anyway. i'm going ape shit in the love dept.
being as i come with a fucking warning label you can understand why i'm a bit more insecure. that and being that i am totally not into getting fucked over again and i now feel that i am too fucked up to love, i quit. i quit love, i quit sex, i just fucking quit. now the problem is telling that to my libido consistently. no i haven't broken down and gotten laid, but i'm thinking about sex. god am i thinking about it. and what's worse is who i'm thinking about. byron fix this.
no need to go bashing your head into a brick wall. one thing my ex alex hated about me is that i'm an honorless bastard. i have honor, it's just subtle.
well since all this post has led to is a renewed vision of my dream of licking freckly soft skin and all sorts of girly sentiment that i shall not recieve for lack of belief that i deserve it. (because if you think you deserve shit then you always find yourself drawn to the big steaming pile rather than the banquet feast.)
I am so going to not post right now anymore.
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[09 Jul 2005|07:25am]
Greetings from sunny birmingham. Yep I left. I had three days off and a mandatory evac. sounds like an excuse to come see laura laura to me.
be safe,
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[08 Jul 2005|11:46am]
I now own my car. on paper at least.
God I feel so adult. help me please.
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[29 Jun 2005|10:04pm]
Your Cancer Drinking Style

You are a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling?
Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, you must guard against lushery.
You are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating yourself on VIP lists.

And, in true Hollywood style, you are never really drunk; instead, you get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated).
But most people agree: there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with you. Your sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you adore anyone who serves up vanilla vodka and soda.
Your Signature Cocktails
Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the idea of moonshine -- any booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey and soda to grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. You also like comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot buttered rums. A six-pack of Bud will also do.
Your Celebrity Drinking Buddies
Jessica Simpson, Pamela Anderson, George W. Bush, Tom Cruise, Will Ferrell, Lil' Kim, Lindsey Lohan, and John Cusack.

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[24 Jun 2005|02:03pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Listening to this song reminds me that I'm still struggling but at least I'm not sitting on my ass. Lynn has been a doll. She bought me a new chess set for my birthday. she's right i hate getting presents cause i never know how to respond but if it's a good present i freak out, and i'm just adorable. I realize this lately. I'm cute, who knew. So how is it that people know there is something wrong with me as soon as they meet me. Is it in my eyes? And how come almost all men I meet think of sex when they meet me? Is it the boobies? No idea. But I know one thing.

I like myself today,

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Thanks [24 Jun 2005|01:42pm]
Thanks in advance to everyone coming to the party Sunday. as most of you know I don't want presents other than a bottle of wine. If you weren't invited I'm sorry. But maybe you should try harder. you might make the A-list next year,
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Yay a pony. [24 Jun 2005|12:57pm]
You Are Opium!
You like to have fun and enjoy life. Reeeeeally enjoy life. If it isn't fast, loud, or extreme forget it. You value friendship and are loyal and will not hesiste to go off if someone crosses you.

What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?

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[22 Jun 2005|10:44pm]
Need new friends please.
intelligent, sincere, loveable, and honest.
i'm trying to shake off cynical sarcastic mistrusting outer layer
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[07 Jun 2005|09:23pm]
How do you change the will of God?
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